


Go Where Life Takes You

by yuletide_archivist



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-15
Updated: 2007-12-15
Packaged: 2018-01-25 05:55:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1635125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barney, Robin, Ted, a bet, drinks, conversations, bathing suits, seasons and laser tag.  Plus some lasagna.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Go Where Life Takes You

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Kim, Drusilla Rain, Kathy, Katie, Bryan, Neenan, Sara and everyone else who I may have forgotten who read this over and gave me advice and feedback. You helped make this fic!   
>  Also, thanks to The Wonder Years for the title!
> 
> Written for GreenFish

 

 

Winter's been sticking around this year, and even though it's April, they got a sprinkling of snow the night before.  Trudging into work with dampened loafers and feet that are going to be cold all day Ted, wonders if it's girly to be wishing for spring.

He sits at his desk and goes over blueprints until the lines start to blur.  And then he does two more. 

Out a window, the world looks gray and dark. Visual misery.  Ted rubs at his eyes, the back of his neck.  He turns on the little desk lamp he keeps at his drawing table and reads about changes in building codes as though he actually understands what the paperwork says.

Around 6 o'clock he puts on his coat, and a scarf Lily crocheted for him after Marshall 's mother taught her how.  He shoves his hands in his pockets and for the first time all day lets his mind wander.  He thinks about Coney Island, and watching sunsets after 9 on the roof, and where Robin will spend her vacation this year.  About whether it's anywhere he'd like to go.

But then he's at the bar, and Barney's buying him a drink because Zeus' Beard won him over $1500 at the track, and Marshall has some story about how one of his professors wants to fail him after overhearing that Lily was getting tickets to _Legally Blonde_.

Robin comes in, later, and with some guy, because she's always with some guy these days, but Ted smiles his usual smile.  Orders another beer.

When he goes upstairs, probably an hour later than he should, he can catch the smallest glimpse of stars through all the clouds and lights of Manhattan.  And he knows it's getting better, and that it's simply taking time.  Ted just wishes it would be enough already.

.........

"Thursday is the one-year anniversary of the day you and Robin broke up, and we're going out and celebrating that."  Barney is talking to him while flipping through the mail Lily left on the coffee table.

"How on earth do you know that?"

Barney displays what Ted has termed `The Duh Face'.  "It's called a calendar.  Look into it." 

"I didn't mean...never mind."  Ted knows better than to get into this.  "And, actually, we'll be doing anything but that."

"Come on.  You're not becoming your old ovary-having self, are you?" 

That's in fact the exact reason that Ted's been going along with all of Barney's schemes and plans and even coming up with some of his own.  Well, not exact - he's not afraid of re-growing the ovaries he never had in the first place.  It's just that if Robin is the girl of his dreams, and she doesn't want to be with him because he has more girly dreams than she does, something has to change. 

The only problem is that he still hasn't gotten any further than making himself fake it.

But Ted doesn't say any of that out loud.  Because those are things which are never supposed to be said, especially in the presence of one Barney Stinson.  " _The Office_ starts with new episodes again on Thursday."

Barney gives him a look that sums up everything about `you have got to be kidding me'.  "Sometimes I think you care more about Jim and Pam than you do about your own life.  But, then again, if I had your life, I probably would too."

"Please.  Shut up.  You know you want Jenna Fischer."

"I don't want her.  I could have her.  Totally different things."  Barney holds up a catalogue opened to some woman in a green and white polka dot bikini.  "Do you think Robin would wear something like this?"

"Why would you ask me that?"

"For that, you're coming out with me..."  Ted opens his mouth to protest, but Barney stops him with the wave of a pointer finger.  "Uh-uh.  Friday.  And you're wearing a suit, Theodore.  Even if I have to dress you myself."

"I don't really see how this is an appropriate punishment for not talking about Robin's swimwear with you."

Barney shakes his head in utter disappointment.  "Sometimes I really have to ask myself how you're my friend, Ted."

"Trust me. I feel the same way."

But Barney is already back to the half-dressed women and trying to figure out if he slept with the one holding the surfboard. 

An hour later, they've settled on a strong `maybe' to a weak `definitely'.

.........

Friday, after a warm front sweeps in, bringing rain and temperatures above freezing, Ted has what he might consider a good day.  There's some important client in town, so his boss is out of the office, and Lily makes this amazing lasagna for dinner.

Amazing to the point that Ted and Marshall are just eating it right from the pan in front of the TV.  That is showing the classic episode of _The Simpsons_ in which Homer tells the kids how he met Marge and didn't get to take her to prom. 

All of this and a new pair of sweatpants.  Ted is almost relaxed.

And then Barney opens the door to the apartment with an angry whine of, "You haven't even suited up yet!"

"`Yet' implies that I'm going to do it."  Ted glances at Marshall and clicks the volume from 10 to 14.

"No way, Ted.  This is not happening.  You promised!"

"That cannot be further from the truth."  Ted holds up his fork to Barney.  "Lasagna?"  
 

"I don't want lasagna.  I want to go out and get drunk and get laid, Ted.  And my duty to you as a fellow citizen of Brolivia is to bring you along."

"Brolivia?"  Marshall asks.

"Yes, Brolivia.  Population dwindling because you guys keep getting married or turning into sad sacks."  Barney's looking at Ted like he's been committing the most heinous acts Barney's witnessed for a long, long time.  Ted doesn't even want to think about what would qualify for that list.  "Come on, please, Ted.  For me."

"Alright.  We can have a drink."

"Will you talk to girls?  We are not bro-ing about town, if you're not even going to try to pick someone up."

"If there are any interesting girls, yes, I will talk to them."

"Will you put on a suit?"

"Don't push your luck."  Ted gets up off the couch and begins pulling his t-shirt over his head.

"I am still considering this a victory," Barney says while Ted is walking towards the bedroom.  "And, no, Marshall.  You can't come because I'm sure Lily has something you're supposed to be fixing right now."

.........

After a pep talk in the bathroom mirror about how Robin doesn't exist as a possibility any more and how Barney is weirdly right about things and how today's been a good day, so tonight might be good too, Ted is ready.  He is ready and willing and definitely not a girl or a sad sack.

That is until they enter McLaren's and Robin is waving at them saying, "God, you're late.  What took you so long?"  From the corner of his eye he sees Barney gesticulating at him.

While Robin is in the ladies room, he manages to hiss out, "What is she doing here?"

Barney shrugs.  "I invited her."

.........

"Ugh, this week has been ridiculous.  What are we doing on Friday?"  Collapsing into the booth Barney is sitting in; Robin reaches over and takes a sip from his scotch.

"I," he says, making sure to accentuate the vowel and take his drink back, "am taking Ted out to try to forget how massively in love with you he still is."

"Is that seriously true?"  She sounds annoyed, and a little despondent.

"What, that he's massively in love with you?  Um...yeah, Scherbatsky.  It is.  And you've probably forgotten all about it, but it's been a year since you guys broke up."

"I haven't forgotten.  And, if it's technically my anniversary as well, then I deserve some cheering up too."

"Not going to happen."  Barney's face doesn't really match the tone he's using.  Robin might almost describe the expression as sympathy, if it were coming from someone else.

"What if I give you something you want?"  Barney quirks an eyebrow at her.  "Nothing sexual."

"Now, I don't really see this conversation going anywhere that I'll be interested in."

Robin doesn't have any dates this weekend and she knows that a _Grey's Anatomy_ repeat is the only thing she's going to be able to find on TV Friday night. "What about a bet, then?"

He swirls the remaining ice cubes around in his glass and smirks.  "You are completely desperate to spend time with me, aren't you?  But I'm listening."  

"I bet that I can get more phone numbers by the end of the night than you can."

"Please.  Robin, you have two things in your favor when it comes to picking up guys.  And by that I of course mean your boobs."  She shoots him a look that's part disgusted and part flattered.  "Not going to happen."

Robin thinks about her empty apartment without her dogs and how much a good bottle of wine costs and how she doesn't even really like _Grey's Anatomy_ the first time it airs. 

And she knows there's no way she wants to face any of those things head on after last weekend.  "Well, what if I have to get more girls than you?"

"Scherbatsky! You have totally won an invitation for Friday.  What are the terms?"

She doesn't even have to think about it. She knows instantly what she wants to do because frankly, no one else will want to and he's the one who got her hooked in the first place.  "If I win, which is going to happen, you'll take me to laser tag and actually let me be on your team."

"I didn't let you play with me once.  One time.  And you're just mad because you lost."

"Oh no, Barney.  I'm mad because after you shot me you made me lie down on the floor, put your foot on my ribcage, and had someone take a picture of the moment on your camera phone."

"That was the desktop on my computer for awhile."  Barney sucks a piece of ice into his mouth and crunches down on it.  "Legendary." 

"I had nacho cheese matted into my hair for three days.  So, before you tell me what you want, if by some miracle you can manage to win, there will be no nudity, public embarrassment or denouncements of Canada ."

"You just completely devastated items 1 through 17 on my list, Scherbatsky."

She slides out from the booth, grabbing her wallet.  "I'll get some more drinks while you think it over."

.........

"What happened to Brolivia, Barney?"  Ted doesn't want his voice to come out sounding so needy.  Mostly because realizing he needs Barney is very, very scary.

"There are some females in Brolivia that aren't only there for the sex trade industry.  And Robin happens to be one of them."

"The whole point of tonight was supposed to be making me forget about her."  Ted thinks about all the stupid stuff he's been talked into over the past 12 months, and how none of it has worked.  And yet here he is.  Another night and another mission.  Because maybe, just maybe, this is the time that Barney will have thought something up that's actually successful.

"And we're going to do just that."  Barney gestures at a brunette woman sitting by the jukebox.  "Go and talk to that girl.  And get a phone number.  The battle starts now."

.........

Three hours, one club and two bars later, Ted can't believe he forfeited his sweatpants and lasagna for this.  He holds his beer up to a lip that's starting to get puffy.  Carla and her acrylics apparently didn't like Barney's wingman techniques.

He's got only four sets of digits.  Barney has six.

And Robin has eighteen.  Glancing over at the table in the corner, he thinks the tally might be up to nineteen very soon. 

"I thought her boobs wouldn't be an advantage with women, but I might have played that hand wrong."

"And you're sure that she's not just telling them it's a bet and getting their numbers?  Or just writing them down herself?"  Ted has been trying all night to go through the ways he'd be screwing Barney out of this bet, and those seem to be the most plausible.

"We shook on it, and Scherbatsky is a bro of her word.  Plus look at her, my God, she's a natural." 

Robin brushes the other woman's hair out of her face and Ted's so turned on and depressed he can't actually believe this isn't a nightmare.

Barney finishes off his Red Bull, jogs a little in place, "I'm going back out there.  And you should too.  Get a little sympathy for your bleeding mouth! LET'S GO!"

"In a minute."  Ted sips and winces.  "Give me the signal, if you need me."

He watches Barney strike up a conversation with a woman in a blue dress, sees her smile and then tries to find Robin again.  Neither she nor the blonde are at the table any more.  Because Robin is standing right next to him. 

"So, are you up to naughty number nineteen?"

"No.  We decided just to be friends."  Robin gives him a little smile.  "She wasn't really my type."

He wants to ask her what her type is all of a sudden.  How can he not just know that?  But then he realizes it's supposed to be a stupid joke to break some of this tension that's always hanging around.  And he feels like an idiot.  "That's probably for the best, then."

"Probably."  She reaches for his chin, tilting his face towards her own.  "How's your lip?"

"I'll live."

She lets go and drops her eyes.  "I'm sorry that I made Barney bring me out tonight.  And that I started this stupid bet.  It's just..."  Robin pauses, like she knows exactly what she wants to say but the right words don't exist.

He kind of completely gets that.  "The winter's been weirder, right?  Like, that's not just me?"  Ted can kind of remember earlier in the year, hanging out and going for drinks and having it not suck the life out of him to do it with her.

"No, it's definitely not just you.  And I couldn't deal with another Friday night alone in my apartment." 

Ted feels oddly guilty, like it's his fault all of Robin's friends were his friends first. 

"What about all those guys?" he asks, somehow having it come out as an actual question not a jealous accusation.

"They're just guys, Ted."

He gives her a small grin, the most his torn skin will allow.  "And the girls?"

She nudges him with her elbow.  "Stop."

"I mean, really.  What is the secret?  You're blowing us out of the water."

"See her over there?"  Robin juts her chin in the direction of a woman in a black trench coat.  "Go over and say that you've been dying to listen to someone all night."

"You have got to be kidding me."

"Only one way to find out."  Robin shoves him forward with the palm of her hand against his shoulder, and for the first time in awhile her touch doesn't make his guts cramp up.  "Oh, and Barney's right, work that sympathy angle.  If she's the mothering type, she'll adore it."

.........

"You don't really seem like you're on your game tonight."  Robin eats a cherry out of the whiskey sour someone bought for her, possibly Christine.  She offers the orange slice to Barney, and he takes it.  "I was expecting at least double digits."

"I'm distracted."  He picks up the little red sword that was piercing the fruit and spins it around in his fingers. Barney kind of wishes Ted would return from wherever he's disappeared to.

"What could possibly distract you from your favorite sport of `Slag-Tag-and-Bag'?"

He's actually debating telling her that he had a dream where they went bathing suit shopping together and he kissed her in the dressing room.  That he can't get it out of his head and he doesn't know what on earth you do when you like your best friend's ex that also happens to be kind of your best friend too.

Especially when she's already said she's not interested in having sex with you despite your collection of awesome reasons.

But he doesn't get his chance because Christine comes over to collect on her generosity.

Barney thinks about how oranges are bad omens in _The Godfather_ and whether there's any logic behind that.  He throws the fruit in the garbage just to be sure.

.........

"So, I think I'm going to grab some dessert with Dana."  Ted says to Barney, grabbing his coat.  "Good luck to both the remaining competitors."

"Who on earth is Dana?"

"She's over there waiting to leave."  Barney looks to see someone in a black trench coat holding a yellow umbrella by the door.

Robin smiles at Ted in a way that makes Barney think something tonight has changed, but he's not sure what that is.  "Have a good night."

"You too."

They both watch Ted hold the door for Dana, her umbrella opening bright as sunshine.

.........

"Looks like I won."  Robin rolls her glass between her palms across the table from Barney.

"And I was really looking forward to telling to you to swimsuit up too."

"You're picturing it aren't you?"

Barney has this dopey, far way expression.  "Yeah."  

She chuckles a little, under her breath.  "You're a mess."

"But a mess that you can't wait to battle the evilness of teenagers with."

"Valid."

He puts up his right palm, facing towards her. "Let's please high-five your success so that I can buy us a round and we can move back to the usual order of things."

"And what, Barney would be the usual order of things?"

"Obviously me being more awesome than you could ever dream to be."

Robin indulges him and slaps his palm as he gets up from the booth. She watches him at the bar and when a slutty looking probably college junior in a pink halter puts her hand on the small of his back, Robin expects the night to be drawing to an earlier than expected close.

But Barney shrugs the skanklette off, and it's mostly surprising.

She remembers the first Battleship night, and that he left that girl in the jeans to come up to her apartment.  And even after she said she wasn't going to sleep with him, how he stayed for three games (winning only the last one) and then went down to the deli on the corner to buy some Entenmanns's chocolate chip cookies to eat while they watched a repeat of _Family Guy_. 

She also knows she kind of spent the whole episode attempting to decide if she would have done things differently, if she wasn't all hung up on Ted.

Robin nurses the scotch Barney hands to her and tries to figure out why the two of them end up hanging out so much and whether it means anything.

Lying in bed that night, she still doesn't have an answer and realizes that he didn't even bother to ask her for all the numbers she collected throughout the night.

She has a hard time falling asleep.

.........

Robin wears the pair of sneakers that Barney bought for her birthday that he says have the perfect balance of rubber on the soles to handle the terrain of a laser-tag arena.

She feels weird dressing in the specially designed athletic accoutrements, as he termed them, to go and do anything normal in, like get coffee or buy a newspaper. So they've mostly sat in her closet, which sucks because they're really comfortable and Lazer Park is closing in less than a month.

Getting into a taxi, Robin's happy the driver is blasting the radio, even if it's playing something tribal and not in English. It's just that recently it's felt like her brain is on overdrive and it's not like her. She's not one of those crazy girls who analyze every touch and gesture and word to never reach a logical conclusion anyway. Or she wasn't before dating Ted Mosby, King of the Possibility.

But his Majesty has driven her to thinking about him, and if he's moving on and whether it was a bad idea to give him up, even though she knows it wasn't. And when she's not obsessing over that, she's attempting to sort out what the deal's been with Barney and how crazy she'd have to be to have created this whole scenario only in her own mind.

Robin leans her head against the window and watches the sun as they drive along the FDR Drive. She closes her eyes and debates calling Lily for the possibly thirty-seventh time. But, there's only a few blocks left of her cab ride and there's no way to cram all her insanity into such a small amount of time.

Barney is waiting outside with his duffel bag, because he refuses to wear sweats out on the street like some hobo with no self-respect. He smiles when he sees her sneakers, and they initiate a series of high fives until she notices some tourists staring at them like they're maniacs.

The weather is kind of warm this afternoon and Lazer Park is mostly empty. It looks like it's going to be them and some kids from NYU, who are totally going down.

They strategize hunkered down in a corner, scanning the best places for raids. Robin tries not to think about how his breath feels on her ear and focus instead on how she's obviously a total head case.

The game starts, and they're doing well until the guy wearing the backwards Yankees cap aims for Robin from behind a pillar. Barney tackles her to the ground and winds up lying mostly on top of her.

He says he hopes she doesn't have nacho cheese in her hair and she can feel the same stupid shiver go down her spine that Ted initiated with his Smurf penis French horn. Before he can move, or her brain can rationalize all the reasons this is insane, Robin grabs the back of his neck and kisses him full on the mouth. He's frozen for a few seconds, and a ripple of fear and embarrassment shoots through her nervous system, but then he's _really_ kissing her back.

She can hear the other team registering their disgust and Barney throws his fist up in the air while she laughs. He tells her this is epic, even without a bikini, and keeps kissing her like they're not eliminated from competition or full grown adults.

In a cab on the way back to his place, he lists off potential blog entry titles (Throwing Away the Orange = Legendary has the lead) while Robin loosens his tie to run her hand inside his shirt.

Her brain seems quiet, thinking only about ice cream and the beach at Rockaway. The late afternoon sunlight reflects off a high rise that Ted would know the name of and Barney runs his lips over her jaw.

Robin hadn't known before today that she'd been so anxious for spring.

 

 

 


End file.
